A Day in Joe Biden’s White House

March 18, 2021. 7:36 AM White House Basement Secure Bunker

Joseph R. Biden, Jr., President of the United States, cracks open one eye. As he peers around the tastefully appointed but windowless room, he is disoriented.

“Where the hell am I?”, Biden shouts, to no one in particular. Secret Service personnel, dressed in dark navy suits, white shirts, dark blue ties, and oddly enough, sunglasses, rush the room, just in front of Dr. Jill Biden.

“It’s OK, Joey. You’re safe. We’re in the basement,” Jill soothingly reassures the rattled Commander in Chief. “Of the White House”, she adds quickly—just in case he forgot.

“Come on, dear. It’s oatmeal time”, she coos at her pajama-clad husband, who shuffles toward a door.

“No, not that door!” she shouts after him, “that goes to the Situation Room.”

9:14 AM. Oval Office.

“Wow, man. What a nice big desk!”, the President of the most powerful nation on earth exclaims. “Was this here yesterday?”

“Yes, Joey. Everything’s the same as it was yesterday. We didn’t want you to get…confused.”

“C’mon, man!! That forgetting stuff was a Trump lie! I can take him on! I can take you on—c’mon Jill, pushups in the Rose Garden! Gimme 20!!”

“Joey I don’t think that’s a good idea”, said the power-behind-the-throne, as she waved off the Chief of Staff, Charlemagne da god, who was just about to hand the President a pair of aviator sunglasses. “You know what happens when you go outside. There might be COVID out there. There might be a terrorist with a gun. There might be a Republican. We can’t be too careful. Besides, the last time you went out that door, you got lost and we had a heck of a time finding you.”

“Well what’s on the schedule for today?” asked the grumpy most powerful man in the world.

“Well sir, it’s almost time for your morning nap. At noon, it’s time for lunch. Chef has prepared your favorite—chicken noodle soup—made from chickens from Delaware. Then a brief meeting with the Joint Chiefs. You’re going to discuss how to deal with Kim Jong Un. After that, your afternoon nap, and then, you lower the boom on those frackers from Pennsylvania”, outlined his personal secretary, Stacey Abrams.

“Great day, great day”, enthused little Joey Biden. “Now, which way to my bed?”

4:04. Blue Room.

A gathering of men and women representing the oil, gas, and fracking industries from Pennsylvania and various government officials. The President of the United States is sitting in the center of the long side of an oval table. The Vice-President, Kamala Harris, sits to his left. The Secretary of Energy, Elon Musk, sits to her left. Dr. Jill Biden is positioned to the President’s right.

Fresh from his nap, the 46th President is ready to unload: “ Now, look, man, it’s like this. I know I said I was against fracking before I said I was for fracking. What I want to do is…phase it out. We’ve got time. I want to phase it out by 2050. By then, I’ll be 108 years old, and it really won’t matter. We’ll have District of Columbia and Puerto Rico on board, 15 Supreme Court Justices, no Electoral College. There’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”

“But President Biden, what are we going to tell our employees? How are we going to support our families? The energy industry doesn’t have the capacity to store the power from solar panels and wind power. We’re not ready for a phase out of oil and gas!”, one of the executives explained.

“Malarkey!!” shouted the almost-octogenarian. “I’ve been in government for 48 years!! Do you know how long that is? That’s longer than some of you have been alive!! C’mon man!! You’re a dog-faced pony soldier who doesn’t know the difference between Claymont and Scranton!! Let’s go out behind the White House!! I’ll show you who’s in charge!!”

During the scuffle that ensued, involving angry Pennsylanians, Secret Service, the President of the United States and the First Lady, fists did fly, creating quite a tumult when one of the fracking women got her clock cleaned by Dr. Jill Biden.

7:51 PM. White House Basement Secure Bunker

“Good night, Joey”, whispered the First Lady of the United States, as she tucked her husband into his bed.

“Good night, Joan,” the President responded sleepily, after a long day of president-ing.

“You did a great job today. And by the way, the name’s Jill.”